With an MFA and Ph.D. in Creative Writing, Kelly S. Thompson, a former military officer, has featured her works in notable publications such as Chatelaine, Maclean’s, the Globe and Mail, among others. Her debut memoir, Girls Need Not Apply, achieved remarkable success and was declared an instant bestseller, making it to the Globe and Mail Top 100 Books list. She is a mentor at the University of King’s College MFA in the Creative Nonfiction program. She resides in Nova Scotia with her spouse, who is also in the military, and her bull terrier, Ham.
In her newest memoir, “Still, I Cannot Save You” (Pub 2/23, 288 pages, McClelland & Stewart), Dr. Thompson explores the troubled relationship with her sister Meghan. Despite being close as children, Meghan’s addiction and illness caused a rift. They reunite as adults, but a new diagnosis threatens their reconciliation. Still, I Cannot Save You is a powerful story of sisterly love overcoming tragedy.
Tate: “Congratulations on finishing your second memoir,””Still, I Cannot Save You.” Your personal story, shared with grace and compassion, truly inspired me. Your words touched and motivated me to begin this interview feature. Thank you for your courage in sharing your story with the world. It is a gift that will undoubtedly benefit others. Would you mind sharing with readers, in your own words, the essence of the story?” Tate: Congratulations on finishing your second memoir, “Still, I Cannot Save You.” Your personal story, shared with grace and compassion, truly inspired me. Your words touched and motivated me to begin this interview feature. Thank you for your courage in sharing your story with the world. It is a gift that will undoubtedly benefit others. Would you mind sharing with readers, in your own words, the essence of the story?
Kelly: Thank you! This is a book about how we love people who hurt us and how we forge a relationship despite being wounded over and over again. It charts my sister’s journey through addiction and how that impacted us, followed by her sobriety and our reunion. Sadly, she was diagnosed with cancer just after giving birth and died shortly after. The book follows that journey.
Can you describe how the experience of writing this book differed from that of your first memoir?
I wrote this book immediately after Meghan’s death, so narratively, I was much closer to the work and its deep, deep pain. In some ways, that made it sparkle a bit more, but made the process of writing really rather gutting.
Did you gain unexpected insights while writing the book that you may not have fully appreciated during your experiences?
Ah, yes. My biggest takeaway is that we’re all doing our best—just trying to get by in a world that throws hurdles at us. And some of us are better able to cope with those hurdles than others, but it doesn’t mean there is less love and good intention.
Did you ask your family members for permission to include their struggles in your book?
For the most part, I don’t believe in asking permission, unless the story is more theirs than mine. In my first book, I write about my dad being in a mental hospital, and I asked his permission there because that was his personal information, and he willingly gave it. But as for Meghan, she asked me to write the book and “not leave out the ugly parts,” so, my allegiance here was to her. Mostly, my family trusts me to do the work of showing nuance and context so that even poor decisions are shown as nuanced. My whole family was really proud with how it turned out.
I am curious to know if all individuals mentioned in the book have read through it and if they have any insights on how they were portrayed.
Most everyone has wholeheartedly agreed with my portrayal! No one has complained. Ha.
Did you plan on writing a new memoir, or did your sister’s request inspire you to write this book after your previous one?
I could barely tie my own shoelaces at the time, much less consider a second book. I think sometimes, a book demands to be written, and that’s what happened here. I just had to let it come.
Writing a memoir can be emotionally challenging, and it is crucial to prioritize self-care during this time. Have you developed any self-care techniques to balance the technical aspects of writing with your emotional experiences?
Yes—THERAPY! My therapist is even given a nod in the acknowledgments. So therapy and breaks. Lots of breaks to breathe. I don’t push myself to write more than I feel able in a day, and if I’m struggling too much, then maybe that story needs to be done later.
Your book is deeply personal and honest. How did you approach the writing process knowing that your experiences would become public?
“It helps that I am a chronic over-sharer and always have been! Ha.I’mm generally not worried about my own ugliness being evident because I think we learn from our mistakes and those of others whenwe’ree deeply immersed in story.I’mm generally not ashamed to reveal my layers becauseI’mm always striving to grow and be a better person.I’mm not perfect, but who is?
In what ways has your family, with particular attention to your husband Joe, supported and motivated you throughout your writing path?
My parents always encouraged my writing, and they used to spiral bound and laminate my little books when I was little! Joe though, is something special. We met when we were in basic training, and I broke my leg—he carried me for three kilometers! But he gives me the time I need to work, never tells me what I can andcan’tt write, and is my cheerleader. He always seems to know when I badly need a cup of tea (or wine!) while I work, too.
You frequently share pictures of your beloved dog, Ham, on social media. I also noticed that you mentioned another dog called Pot Roast in your book and referred to your nephew as Piggie. Is there a special significance behind this naming pattern?
Ha. Yes! Ham and Pot Roast. They are bull terriers (Roast died last year, oddly, due to the same cancer Meghan had) and people can be leery about the breed due to their muscles, so we wanted to give them silly names so that people would know they were approachable. So with Ham, we decided to carry on the meat theme, partly because they love roasting themselves in the sun! But also, they can be known as”“pig dogs,” because of their snouts. “It helps that I am a chronic over-sharer and always have been! Ha. I’m generally not worried about my own ugliness being evident because I think we learn from our mistakes and those of others when we’re deeply immersed in story. I’m generally not ashamed to reveal my layers because I’m always striving to grow and be a better person. I’m not perfect, but who is?
In what ways has your family, with particular attention to your husband Joe, supported and motivated you throughout your writing path?
My parents always encouraged my writing, and they used to spiral bound and laminate my little books when I was little! Joe though, is something special. We met when we were in basic training, and I broke my leg—he carried me for three kilometers! But he gives me the time I need to work, never tells me what I can and can’t write, and is my cheerleader. He always seems to know when I badly need a cup of tea (or wine!) while I work, too.
You frequently share pictures of your beloved dog, Ham, on social media. I also noticed that you mentioned another dog called Pot Roast in your book and referred to your nephew as Piggie. Is there a special significance behind this naming pattern?
Ha. Yes! Ham and Pot Roast. They are bull terriers (Roast died last year, oddly, due to the same cancer Meghan had) and people can be leery about the breed due to their muscles, so we wanted to give them silly names so that people would know they were approachable. So with Ham, we decided to carry on the meat theme, partly because they love roasting themselves in the sun! But also, they can be known as “pig dogs,” because of their snouts.
Calling my nephew Piggie is actually a nod to The Lion King! When my nephew was little, I would sing the little song to him that has a line”“Are youachin’’, for some baco’’,He’ss a big pig!” And he would laugh and giggle so hard that my sister would call me when he was upset so I could sing him the pig song. So I started calling him my little piggie. “Calling my nephew Piggie is actually a nod to The Lion King! When my nephew was little, I would sing the little song to him that has a line “Are you achin’, for some bacon’, He’s a big pig!” And he would laugh and giggle so hard that my sister would call me when he was upset so I could sing him the pig song. So I started calling him my little piggie.
I apparently have a porcine obsession!
Are you considering writing another memoir? We would love to hear about the topic if you are open to sharing.
Right now, I’m working on a thriller that is off to my agent soon, and then I’d like to write a bit of humor. Humor is a tricky genre, but I’d like to do some non-fiction essays that tackle hard subjects in a fun, approachable way. Heck, I think I could write entire books about my dog!
Can you tell me when you began writing this book and how long it took to finish?
Meghan died in August 2018. I was writing the book while she was dying but also editing and revising Girls Need Not Apply. I finished it a year after she died as part of my PhD and sent that off to my agent and then started the publishing revision process. It always feels like it takes forever!
In addition to your sister’s illness, it may seem like your brother-in-law is the primary antagonist in the story. Sometimes it can be easy to focus on the more obvious challenges in a difficult situation. But it’s important to remember that often the true struggle lies within ourselves. Perhaps your sister’s inner conflict is the real antagonist as she grapples with the image she presents to others and the reality of her relationship. What are your thoughts on this perspective?
I don’t believe anyone is all good or all bad—we all make decisions in our lives that have shades of grey, too. The nature of memoir requires us to do the close work of examining ourselves as well as the people who share our lives, and I definitely think Meghan’s inner journey to find parts of herself that she was proud of features heavily in this book. She has poor self-esteem, so she often chose poor partners who reiterated this low view of self.
So I don’t know if my sister’s husband was an antagonist so much as a person who behaved repulsively and in turn, my sister behaved abusively, too. I try to remember we were all struggling, but the core of who someone is and the choices the make over and over again in the face of opportunities to grow and change…well, that is what it is.
Can you give me an update on how your parents are doing?
I don’t know how anyone copes with losing a child, so I’d say my parents are getting by. We’re close, so I think that helps, but Meghan’s loss was so profoundly horrific in so many ways that we just try and take it a day at a time.
Your depiction of your sister’s passing in hospice was compelling and descriptive. It’s not often that we encounter such a vivid and truthful account of someone’s final moments. Many memoirs tend to skim over these harrowing experiences, but you portrayed your sister’s passing in incredible detail. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to relive and express those memories through writing. Nonetheless, I wonder if writing and revising that scene brought you solace and healing.
Oh, I think I cry every time I write it, think of it, dream of it. It was one of the first scenes I wrote, because I wanted to live it all over again, because you’re absolutely right—most books about death skip over the moment the character dies, which is why I wanted to write it. I could read all this stuff online about the practicalities of death, but nothing that prepared my heart for what it would be like. It’s that exact reason that I did my PhD…to study other grief memoirs and see why we shy away from that moment, because we all lose people. We all grieve. Shouldn’t we honour that passing with a close look?
Most readers don’t notice the shift, but the death scene actually happens entirely in present tense. I wanted to feel it in my bones.
Did it heal me? Well, scientifically they’ve proven that writing about hard things helps us to cope, and I believe that. But that said, I’ll never heal from Meghan’s death, but I like knowing I’ve detailed it in a way that stays with me, always.
Your book cover is truly remarkable and eye-catching. I was curious if you had any involvement in the design process. I believe book covers are crucial in attracting readers and encouraging them to read them. What is your opinion on this matter?
Thank you! I love it too! I’m really lucky that my publisher works so closely with me to make sure I’m happy with the cover. For my first book, it had my big ol’ face on there, which was…shocking. So for this one, I wanted the book to have a cover that allowed it to represent a variety of families who have shared stories of grief. So I sent lots of examples of covers I loved with detailed reasons why.
The designer reads the synopsis but also asks if there are particular memories or pages of the book that I’d like to tell them about, so this cover relates to a memory of my sister and I playing in the water as kids. I loved it the moment I saw it.
Memoirs can be challenging to write, particularly when managing the balance of backstory and narrative. You have a unique talent for succinctly providing adequate background information that drives the narrative forward while helping readers comprehend your emotional state. Did you intentionally limit the portrayal of your sister’s addiction, or did you draft and condense a detailed backstory?
You know, the book used to have a lot more story about my sister’s addiction…almost half the book, in fact. But ultimately, it came down to sitting with the themes that really mattered to me. What story was I trying to tell? And really, the addiction piece is Meghan’s story, so I realized I could succinctly summarize the impact that addiction had on our relationship and let the plot really settle on the devastation of coming together only to lose one another all over again. It’s about our sisterhood, above all else.
You have an MFA in writing. Did you find that your education prepared you for writing a memoir, or did you have to approach the genre differently?
I don’t believe that education equals great writing, necessarily. Half of my MFA professors didn’t have degrees! But for me, having been in the military a decade, an MFA was a great way to steep myself in the writing world. I needed the education because I almost let my creativity lapse…I stopped writing entirely while I served in the Forces.
I actually did a doctorate in creative writing, too, specifically in nonfiction, so my dad calls me the Book Doctor, ha. But I’m interested in the layers of academia and writing, so it has changed my perspective in terms of making me think about different angles and approaches that previously had a narrow form. But also, I think there’s so much talent and magic in the world that school isn’t all of it. So much of how I learn to write well comes from reading compulsively. You can’t write good books without reading them.
What would you say are your greatest strengths and weaknesses in writing?
I think I write great, natural dialogue, which is key because memoir is my genre and I need to sound like me! I’ve been told that when people who know me read my books they can hear my voice, which is a great compliment. I also think I know how to reach in and connect with a reader’s heart. What is a good story without resonance behind it?
Weakness for sure is structure! I tend to write pretty linearly/chronologically, and I see folks doing a lot of neat stuff by playing with structure and order of memories but it feels beyond my mental reach.
Sometimes I wonder if this isn’t a legacy of the military, too, in that I tend to get nervous straying outside the lines. I need to allow myself more room to play.
As an editor, do you review your work or seek a second opinion before submitting it?
For sure. I have several friends who share a similar style, and we’ll often send stuff to one another for feedback and advice. But sometimes, you just know something works, and in those cases, I just fling it out into the literary universe and cross my fingers! Ha.
Do you belong to a writing group? How has your experience been so far?
I don’t, but I do have friends I share with sometimes. Also, because I teach nonfiction, I have so many great experiences workshopping with students that I feel like I’m in a writing group!
Do you use Beta Readers?
Nope! No one reads my work until I feel it’s ready to go to my agent or my editor. Sometimes I’ll send it to a writer friend I trust, but that’s almost always just for an essay or story, not a whole book.
I tend to think that I need the mental space not to worry about other opinions, and there can be a case of too many fingers in the pie. There’s lots of time for that! Ha. But I’ve learned that the world of publishing is pretty arbitrary…one decision will be supported by one reader and not by another. So I trust my agent and editor explicitly to help me tell the story the way I feel is best. To me it’s best to have one firm, trusted voice than countless pundits piping up—I’d be overwhelmed.
Is it necessary for an author to write daily, even if it’s only one sentence? I think writing goes beyond mere typing and involves extensive reading and keen observation of the world around us. What’s your take on this issue?
I definitely treat my creative work as a job, in terms of giving it priority at the start of the day, when I’m mentally at my best. But also, I think that kind of “write every day” pressure is exhausting. The world happens. Laundry needs to get done. Dinner still has to get into the belly and dishes washed. So if I don’t write that day, so be it. Just because words aren’t being typed doesn’t mean they are simmering in my brain.
I also have Rheumatoid Arthritis, so sometimes, during a flare, I’ll go weeks without being able to work because I feel like I have a bad flu and my hands are so swollen I couldn’t write even if my brain cooperated. We have to be kind to our brains and bodies when they say, “Nope, not today.”
I noticed that in your memoir’s acknowledgments, you thanked two agents. Did you change agents while writing your second memoir?
Not purposefully! My first agent was wonderful, but she got picked to take a publishing job, oddly enough, as the lead publisher at McClelland & Stewart (an imprint of Penguin Random House Canada), my publisher! So I still get to work with her, which is wonderful.
My new agent was at the same agency and she’s such a hoot that I feel lucky to have two such brilliant women in my corner. She’ll be selling my next book.
First-time authors often face the challenge of agent rejection. Can you share your experience with your debut book’s query process? Also, if you switched agents, did you have to go through the query process again for your second book?
I was in a lucky fluke scenario with my book. I had just finished my creative writing MFA and had completed a fiction book, andpaid to have it evaluated by two women who started their own publishing business. I thought I’d get some story feedback but instead, they told me they knew a great agent for it, and they connected me through a direct email with her.
After some back and forth, that agent took me on, even though I didn’t even have a finished manuscript because she suggested I try nonfiction (the original manuscript was fiction!). So we worked together on it for two years before it went out on submission as a memoir.
Can you describe the submission process you went through with publishers for this book?
“For”“Still, I Cannot Save You”, my publisher had right of first refusal for this book, so it immediately went to the same editor I had worked with in the past and she was wonderful. She accepted it almost immediately and we started the editing process within months. “For “Still, I Cannot Save You”, my publisher had right of first refusal for this book, so it immediately went to the same editor I had worked with in the past and she was wonderful. She accepted it almost immediately and we started the editing process within months.
But for “Girls Need Not Apply”, it was horrible! NO ONE wanted my book. It went out to so many publishers, everyone turning it down. So I went back to the drawing board with my agent to regroup. But then the #MeToo movement happened, and suddenly I had a very topical book that sold in pre-empt to my dream publisher! Failure doesn’t always have to represent the end of the story.
Would you prefer to receive regular updates on rejections from your agent or only be notified when the book is purchased?
I always like to know where a book stands. It might be the former military officer in me, but I’m pretty cool with rejection because I’ve studied and learned this business in depth, so I don’t take it personally. A book selling comes down to so many different factors at play—timing, taste, budgets—and the writing is just one of those factors.
Are you fond of reading reviews of your writing? Negative feedback on trivial matters can be discouraging.
I’m always open to learning about what connects with people and what doesn’t, but heck, people can be downright mean on social media! I beg of people to NOT tag me in negative reviews. Ha. You’re welcome to an opinion but spare me having to cry into my soup that night. Goodreads can be a particularly horrific source of nastiness, as can Amazon.
I read industry reviews, but I also take them with a grain of salt. At the end of the day, I just hope my book falls into the hands of the readers who need it and find a little bit of home within its pages.
Writing a memoir under a pseudonym may provide a sense of anonymity and privacy, but it can also raise questions about the authenticity and credibility of the story. What are your views?
Pseudonyms are so rarely done these days that to be honest, I can’t think of one, which is saying a lot since I’m an instructor at a whole writing program dedicated to nonfiction!
I think that if you want to tell your story, you have to be prepared to stand there in the light and own its value and all the fear that comes with that. Memoir is beautiful and brave, but it comes with risk. Also, when comes to marketing memoir, the publisher needs to be able to rely on the author to help sell it. Readers want to know you’re a real person on the other end. It’s hard to do that with an avatar.
Lastly, do you have any tips for individuals who aspire to write memoirs on how to approach writing about personal experiences effectively?
You have to think of your life, and the characters who share it with you, in terms of story. You can’t pack every detail of every element into your life into a memoir, because not every memory is relevant to the story you’re trying to tell. So resist the urge to pack the plot with events that aren’t moving the main character’s journey forward or developing characters into realistic, meaningful persons that come alive on the page.
Thank you Kelly.
Thank you for your thoughtful questions!
Please click here to purchase copies of Kelly’s latest memoir, Still, I Cannot Save You.
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Tate Basildon 